Isn't it crazy that we're already in December 2020?
I KNOW. I still feel like we're in March 2020: Episode IX.
I decided that I want to be able to write about topics that I'm interested in and topics I believe people can benefit from during this time.
For my first official blog post (yay!), I wanted to write about my performance injury.
You might ask, "Why Karina?"
To be honest, I feel like this period of my life has made me the person that I am today. It has driven my choices in how I go about life, how I practice, and most importantly, how I teach.
The best teachers, in my view, are the teachers who are able to teach from a place of experience and can actually say, "Hey, I've been there."
Let's begin, shall we?
Story Time!
It all started with the beginning of music school. I came from a high school with a very small music program. Up until reaching college, I had very little exposure to lessons with a teacher (more on that in another post).
I was very motivated as a self-taught flutist, but ultimately, having a teacher gives you accountability, motivation, and drive which were all qualities that I already had in me, but they were supercharged when I was studying with a teacher.
So what changed when I started college?
I began to practice more (in high school, I was averaging about an hour a day but in college, that turned into about 4-6 hours daily)
I started to notice how my playing was compared to others playing (I had a major reality check)
Generally, my lessons were more about improving my fundamentals and going through as much repertoire as possible.
I had a flute teacher and I was only focusing on flute, so the expectations were higher (Saxophone was my secondary instrument in high school— more on that in this post).
I was playing ensemble music that was at a much higher level
I played in the scholarship woodwind quintet that performed standard repertoire
In the back half of my undergraduate degree, I realized that I wanted to study Performance rather than Education
I decided that I wanted to audition for big-name schools
During my undergraduate degree, I studied with three different teachers and each of them made me realize certain aspects of my playing and my goals.
Here's just some of what they helped me with during my undergrad:
My first teacher Suzan Degooyer helped me realize my potential as a flutist.
My second teacher Melanie Lançon helped me discover my love for flute and playing orchestral music.
My third teacher Rene Miska helped me see the value of hard work and gave her perspective of what it was like to study in a conservatory.
A few things I realized along the way...
In my years of being an adult and making my own decisions, I realized that what I might want is not always what I need (more on that in this post). I heard an orchestra live for the first time in high school and again as a sophomore in college and I realized that I loved the idea of playing in an orchestra.
What I didn't know about auditioning for grad school for Flute Performance was:
The standard of how much you need to know by the time you are a Senior in an undergraduate degree program
How big of a difference a better instrument can make for auditions
How competitive it is
How expensive the whole process can be
How much your body can actually internalize all of the external stress that comes with preparing for those auditions
I graduated and transferred from a 2-year school to a 4-year school and during this time, I went from being the top flutist to going to a school where everyone was really good. I fell into the trap of comparing myself to the other flutists and that ultimately pushed me to practice for more than what my body was capable of.
Your first instrument is your body.
People in my close circle often talked about how many hours they practiced and I was often left in complete shock. I would ask myself: "How did they have time to finish their school work? To eat? SLEEP? Family? Friends?"
I told myself that in order for me to get into a big-name graduate program, I need to use every moment of my free time to practice.
When I wasn't studying, I was practicing.
When I wasn't eating, I was practicing.
When I wasn't working, I was practicing.
When I wasn't in class, I was practicing.
When I couldn't find a practice room? I was listening to my repertoire, I was listening to recordings of orchestras playing the excerpts I was working on, and writing all of this down in my practice journal.
Something has to give...
Do you know what happens when someone becomes that obsessive about being "good enough" or "the best she can be"?
Burnout because when you're trying so hard to stay focused and "learn the music", your brain can only take so much at one time.
Physical Exhaustion because the flute already has its challenges by being an asymmetrical instrument on top of practicing for between four and six hours straight.
Increased Anxiety because when you're preparing for those kinds of auditions, it's very easy to fall into the perfectionist mindset.
Strained relationships because when you spend so much time being locked up in a practice room, you have no energy left to maintain your relationships with your family or friends.
Injury because when you want to be "the best you can be", you forget that the body has a limit, you ignore the warning signs (tingling, numbness, and sharp pains?) and then your hands get swollen to the point that you can't move.
How did it happen for me?
Glad you asked.
I was juggling my pre-screening auditions, my senior recital, orchestra, chamber music, teaching, and the rest of my classes. I also thought, "Well since I'm using the Ibert Concerto for grad school auditions, I might as well enter the Concerto Competition so that I have an opportunity to play it."
I hired a good friend of mine to be my pianist, she helped me rent a space, and we started to schedule some rehearsals for all of my audition music (not including my excerpts). Rehearsals were going pretty well until the recording days started to come closer.
I wanted my recordings to be perfect, so I put a lot of pressure on myself to practice recording myself, write everything down, and to make sure I was staying on top of my recital repertoire.
Two days before the first recording day, I started to have a shooting pain go down to my right arm and into the wrist by the pinky. I didn't think much of it at the time, because hey, I still had to get myself ready to record and compete with a memorized third movement of the Ibert Concerto.
I went to my rehearsal the day before my first set of recordings and the pain got to the point where it was unbearable. I told my pianist, "I don't think I'm going to be able to compete tomorrow—I need all my energy to go into these recordings."
I emailed the professor who was in charge of the competition completely heartbroken, but I knew that I was not going to do well because of the pain I was in.
The next day, the day of the competition, I went to school to support my twin sister and my friends and I was completely wrecked. It took everything I had to not cry and ruin my makeup, but still, I decided it was the best thing that I could have done to try to do well on my pre-screening auditions.
My sister finished her competition audition and my sister, my boyfriend, and I all took the train to the church where I was going to do my recordings.
When we all got to the church, my sister and boyfriend both helped me get everything set for recordings, and my pianist and I began to record.
Even though all of my repertoire was well-prepared, my body was not in good shape to record. I could barely move my right hand and unfortunately, I ended up failing all of those pre-screenings.
"The greatest teacher, failure is." — Yoda
Even though the initial pain went away, I was still dealing with some pain so I decided to go to a hand doctor to find out what I had, how I could deal with it, and if I needed some type of surgery. Thankfully, the doctor simply said, "You have some tendinitis, but the good thing is that you're young and I don't want to do anything permanent or invasive." He recommended some vitamins to help with the swelling and advised that I find a teacher who could help fix the way that I hold the flute so that I wouldn't struggle with pain.
I received an Assistantship offer for that audition cycle, but I thought that it was not the right time to endure the demands of graduate school in the middle of trying to recover from tendinitis.
The Silver Lining (They exist!)
"When you take risks, you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail and both are equally important." — Ellen Degeneres
You might read through all of this and think, "Wow, that's really sad", but I've learned that in life, failure is one of our greatest teachers.
I learned that trying to force yourself to learn music from a place of "I need to get this right" or "I need to get into this school" not only sucks the joy out of playing music, but it also causes anxiety and unnecessary tension.
Emotions cause us to store tension in the body.
Read that again.
Emotions cause us to store tension in the body.
I learned that, thankfully, a condition like tendinitis is completely manageable and you do not need to go through an invasive surgery if you catch it early.
I learned that even though lots of people go straight through their degrees, I realized that for me, I needed the time to really focus on building up my skills for grad school, get a better instrument, and save money to be able to pay for the costs. Even though I auditioned between my degrees, I found that allowing myself the time to really work on playing and save up for the travel costs really helped me succeed.
Finally, I learned that when I went through auditions, the teacher is interviewing me as much as I am interviewing the teacher. I'll get into this in another blog post (because if not we'd be here all day) and I will list some steps that you can take to interview prospective teachers.
Conclusion
Having a performance-related injury is definitely not rainbows and butterflies, but if you take the right steps, it can be completely manageable. I know that it can be kind of soul-crushing to get a performance-related injury, but know this:
You are not less of a musician because of an injury. You are not your injury.
Next week, I'll be diving into some tips for overcoming a performance injury based on my own experience and what has worked for me. Stay tuned!
Disclaimer: I thought about whether to write one or not, but I think having one is the best way to go for this type of blog post. All of what you just read (thank you!) is based on my own personal experience and does not replace any medical advice from a medical professional. If you find that you are dealing with pain and you have not addressed it yet, please seek medical attention. The only way to make sure that you are taking the necessary steps to alleviate pain and improve your condition is to work with a teacher and a medical professional.
Don't have a teacher? Click HERE to set up a free 30-minute trial lesson with me today!
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